In the landscape of modern dating, where immediacy and convenience shape our interactions, romantic relationships can often feel fragile. Digital platforms promise endless options, but with that abundance comes a tendency to discard rather than repair. The slightest miscommunication can lead to silence, a disagreement can trigger distance, and any discomfort often results in disengagement. We are navigating a world of instant choices – but perhaps at the cost of lasting connection.
But love wasn’t always this fragile. Our elders – those who built families with determination and devotion – understood love as something deeper and more enduring. If we take a moment to reflect, we can learn some powerful lessons from their way of loving: grounded in sabar (patience), seva (selfless service), samajh (understanding), and nibhana (commitment).
Sabar: The Silent Strength in Love
Our elders didn’t have the luxury of “date nights” or spontaneous weekends away to spend quality time together. There were no spa getaways or romantic dinners for two. Instead, their version of quality time was found in the everyday – sharing a quiet meal after a long day, sitting together in silence, or working side-by-side to keep the household running. Their companionship was built in the ordinary, not the extravagant.
In many Punjabi and Sikh homes, sabar isn’t just a virtue – it’s a foundational value. It gave our grandmothers strength when they raised children on limited means. It helped our grandfathers persevere while adapting to unfamiliar lands and responsibilities.
Their love didn’t rely on grand romantic gestures. It showed up in daily acts – small but steady moments of presence, effort, and loyalty.
To speak of sabar is to remember the quiet resilience found in the daily lives of our elders – like my nani who managed the entire household alone, raising five children and holding everything together, while my nana laboured in foundries, doing long shifts of back-breaking work to ensure the family could make ends meet. Their roles were different, but equally demanding, and both required immense strength, sacrifice, and a deep-rooted commitment to each other and the family they were building. Their love wasn’t loud, but it was unwavering.
They Didn’t Give Up – They Grew Together
Modern relationships often come with the expectation that love should be effortless. “If it’s meant to be, it’ll just work,” we say. But our elders didn’t expect perfection – they leaned into commitment and kept showing up. They chose growth not in grand leaps, but in the steady, loyal decision to stay and evolve together.
My nani would say, “Pyaar naal ghar bandeya, par nibhane vaste himmat chahidi hai.”(“Love builds a home, but it takes courage to sustain it.”)
Disagreements weren’t a reason to walk away – they were opportunities to understand, to compromise, and to demonstrate loyalty by showing up again the next day. Not with grand apologies, but through quiet gestures with presence – sharing a cup of cha together, continuing the daily routine, choosing to carry on together. Their love repaired itself in the most ordinary way – in the choice to return to one another, no matter what.
From Swiping to Seva: Reframing Modern Love
In Sikh teachings, seva – selfless service – is a core tenet. While we often associate it with community service or Gurdwara duties, it’s just as relevant in relationships.
Our elders didn’t keep count of who did what. They gave without keeping score. They showed up for one another without seeking validation. That quiet, consistent seva helped love withstand the pressures of daily life.
While today’s advice often tells us to “protect our peace” by walking away, sometimes true peace is found in staying – serving one another, in working through the hard moments and growing from them.
Forgiveness Over Perfection
In today’s world, we often want our partners to be our everything – our lover, our best friend, our confidante, our emotional anchor. We expect them to always understand us, never make mistakes, and meet every emotional need perfectly. But when they fall short, we retreat.
Our elders, however, understood that perfection isn’t real. They knew love means choosing each other again and again, even after mistakes.
They forgave. They moved forward. They made space for imperfection because they valued connection more than control. That kind of forgiveness isn’t weakness – it’s shakti (strength). It’s a strength our Gurus taught us to embody with grace.
Legacy Over Likes
Ours is a generation captivated by curated romance – Instagram proposals, anniversary reels, and aesthetic love stories. But our elders built something much more powerful: a legacy.
Think of any couple that has been together for decades. Their love has weathered illness, financial stress, migration, parenting, and profound loss. And yet, they remain bonded – not because love was easy, but because it was worth the effort.
They didn’t post their love. They lived it.
And deep down, isn’t that what we all want? A love that grows with us. That stays steady through storms. That holds our hand when our hair greys and our steps slow.
A More Honest Reflection
While there is so much to admire in the resilience and commitment of our elders, we must also acknowledge the complexities of that time. Relationship dynamics were shaped by cultural expectations and rigid gender roles. Many women were not given the freedom to speak up, to express their needs, or to challenge the imbalance in power. While men often had social freedom and public space, women were expected to stay home, shoulder domestic responsibilities, and often remain silent – even in the face of dissatisfaction or emotional neglect.
Some stayed not out of love, but out of fear – fear of societal judgment, lack of financial independence, or the belief that endurance was the only option. These truths don’t diminish their strength; rather, they highlight it. Their perseverance was not just about love, but about survival, dignity, and sacrifice within the boundaries they were given.
Recognising this complexity allows us to hold their legacy with both admiration and clarity. It empowers us to take the best of what they built – sabar, seva, nibhana – and carry it forward into a future where love should also include mutual respect, equality, and emotional freedom.
A Call to Our Generation
As we continue to explore dating in 2025 and beyond, how can we carry forward the legacy of our elders?
- Be patient – Let connections take time to grow.
- Learn to compromise – It shows strength, not weakness.
- Let go of ego – You don’t need to win the argument to win someone’s heart.
- Serve one another – Through everyday acts of kindness, not grand gestures.
- Choose forgiveness – Over and over, when love is still present.
Because love that endures isn’t about luck or fate – it’s about choosing each other every single day.
Let’s create the kind of love our children and grandchildren will one day admire. A love that stands the test of time. A love that feels like home.
With warmth and love,
Happie
